 Did I ask you to play 'name that trash'?
 Welcome to our church! Don't mind the chickens running through
 Your ice cream Jesus can't save you!
 You are 1 Reeses' Pieces away from a Jenny Craig fitness program
 Rock paper cigarettes
 Microorganisms have very unsexy lives
 Follicle fondling
 Let me eat my strawberry flavored curdled milk product in peace!
 You better not do anything but set it down like it's lukewarm
 Are you THINGING
 It was all like A B C applesauce parenthesis at sign colon
 I am Leland a 55 year old male nurse and yes I am sexy
 It hurts and I'm probably drawing on my scalp but that's okay
 What is with people and their constant urination on this floor
 Grandma's feeling fingers went south last night
 Doesn't your brain just roll out your left ear when that happens?
 What does cm stand for?
Cinnamon
 They'll  start calling you Sir Cumference if you get much bigger
 My Reese's cup just achieved higher consciousness
 He's a vicious blood thirsty murdering pig. I'm trying to be positive here.
 Don't tweet about my nondifferentiated cells!
 I don't think sexy is in the genetic code. Or at least they haven't found it yet.
 I'm a real boy!
Did you just find it?
 Just give me a sippy cup full of Smirnoff
 Just wash your clothes in the toilet! It's got a spin cycle
 It fit the situation perfectly!
I'll fit my perfect fist in your situation
 Hey it's the hickville hick truck
 Nothing worse than a wrinkly dragon hanging off your fat hip
 Son of a gun of a bun
 You were attacked by the smell of pineapple. It wasn't just pineapple it was PINEAPPLE!
 It was like a drive by tit grabbing
 It's just a later in life abortion
That's called murder!
 Where's my sandwich?
I am your sandwich.
 That's a crunch bar not a penis.
 We're having a very beautiful fire drill.
 Do you play the calculator? Yeah! That's right, I can stereotype too!
 That is NOT how we put down our hashbrowns!
 I almost lost my marbles
And by marbles you mean
The contents of my stomac- I mean my junk
 I just fucked your sandwich with my fry. How does it feel?
 And what is your name?
Jerad
(She types it in and hands him a ticket with his named spelled "Garaid".)
 I like to suck the shit out of little kids
 Champagne is the stripper's energy drink
 Would you quit looking at everyone's boner and eat your ice cream?!
What? I look at women's crotches for camel toes.
 You never see a march called the Roadkill March
 Now give it bombacity! Is that a word? It is now!
 Oh! I know how to dance. My daughter teaches me and then I do it and then she cries.
 This hamburger's the size of a Volkswagen!
 Is that burger fat enough for your fat face?!
 What's that blue thing with the horns?
JESUS.
 Get your wrinkly grapes off my plate.
 Aw man he defiled the tiger
 Shoot I forgot my money or I'd be eating you out – I mean taking you out to eat…aw fuck it.
 Yeah. Your restaurant is by that Temptations "Adult Novelty Store". So you can eat out while you eat out.
 These pants don't stay up in a rainstorm!
 Wow that's a big cherry!
Is it spiked for your pleasure?
Spiked? What are you into??
 What are you having to drink?
Vodk- I MEAN WATER
 It's always the butt!
 There are certain things I don't like on my hiney!
 Kilts! Kilts everywhere!
 Just help me out. I have a lawn dart lodged in my head and I don't think I'll be okay!
 Are you certified in your underwear?
 Quickly I'm going to yank this out and possibly go into a coma.
 Like our status on Facebook!
That is not what we say to someone who just took an arrow to the head!
 It's not even blood anymore! It's just…orange juice!
 One of y'all stole the jewels! Who was it!
(unison) THE ASIAN
 Not me! I'm just a kid! I mean I'm the nurse!
 So this guy on Jeopardy got asked the state fruit of Arkansas. He said peanut. I flipped the table.
 Why is it raining brownies?
NO TOMMY DON'T!
 The poop that took a pee.
 I'm not gonna molest you, I'm just gonna lay on you.
 Some of you may have noticed I'm captain clipboard.
 If he keeps talking about Tony's dick I'm gonna pee everywhere.
 I have my own way of doing taxes: at the last minute.
 I talk at least 225 WPM with gusts up to 300!
 Goes to house to study – ends up having orgy.
 It's like a hen exploded on my paper.
 What are you interested in?
Pizza, cocaine and random hookers.
 My testicles hurt.
 I buy llama parts on the internet.
 What's with the blanket? Are you Linus?
 Are you on the phone? It better be with Jesus.
I'm on my iPod playing games.
You better be playing with Jesus.
 What did you learn in Biblical Philosophy?
How to get drunk off apples.
 So you know those pizza cutters that-
DON'T.
 The power went off.
How was it?
Black like you.
 She always humped trees on the playground.
 Tony was showing people his penis in the bathroom.
 I will smash his face in the fryer and baptize him in the hot grease of Jesus.
 He just chowed down on a fire alarm cheesestick.
 There's a camel in my Gatorade.
 Are you mad at all the people in the 1920's now? Sometimes I am, but they're all dead.
 I dub thee Sir Loin of Beef.
Can I be Sir Breast of Chicken?
How about the Duke of Beef Wellington?
 I can't bring myself to draw a nipple, that's indecent.
 Why are we mixing fetuses?
 We're running around trying to figure out who smells like fruit.
 I'm down to articles and freaking exclamation points!
 If my shirt disintegrates you are buying me a new one.
 That's a pun and a pun spelled backwards is a nup and that's anup out of you.
 He is my Puerto Rican Latin daddy.
 It's like Hell's Easter party.
 I'm still stuck on 'it pees through its skin'.
 You know my vagina is gold and purple with silver trim. It does tricks and rotates.
 WE NEED TO PEEL OFF OSCAR'S PANTS.
 His knee is the nectar of life.
 Is there a glory hole in your library?
 I'll just give you some applesauce and a straw.
 Do I need to hit you in the head with a large blunt object?
 I'd hate to be a virgin cat.
 Why are we sticking hands in frocks?
 You don't just get a boner in the house of God.
 The god of love fucked his donut.
 The devil's love shack.
 Did someone leave the iron down 'cause that was a BURN.
 The emergency brake makes you stop on a dime and gives you 2 cents change.
 I took a dance move to the knee.
 I was talking about the philosophy of life and someone stuffed a chicken nugget in my mouth.
 There's a condom song!
…That's not what I want to walk into.
 That better not fall on my head while I pee.
 I just high-fived your nipple.
 You have to keep your pelvis flush to the bed.
 She almost made the Native American come out in me. Chief Kickabitch Slapahoe.
 My grandmother keeps trying to get me to say 'nipple' and I can't because it's awkward.
 Yes, me and my nipples are lactating in gratitude.
 I thought you just handed her lube. I was like, "Way to be subtle!"
 I left my shorts in Jerad's truck.
 GAS IS ON THE RIGHT
 MARCO!
SEVEN!
 I'm not for the electric chair, I'm for the electric bleacher.
 When you die I'm going to nibble on your vertebrae.
 If the dildo can double as a lamppost IT'S TOO BIG.
 There are strings attached to my heart. And you pluck them oh so softly. Then I murder you with my hatchet because you didn't make me lunch. And now you're in a bag in a box and blood everywhere but I'm glad that Walmart's open at 2 am and has copious amounts of bleach.